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 Post subject: The Adventures of a High Priestess and her GOAT
PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 6:25 am 

Joined: Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:54 am
Posts: 12
In the mountains south of Shanty town a young goblin flopped down onto a rocky crag exhausted from a fight. Cratikins perched on the crag inspecting the newest scratches and dents on his bronze buckler. Goblins aren’t civilised creatures and the spattered blood on his workshop mallet tempted a taste. One lick of the gargoyles blood had the little goblin wrenching over his shield. He gave the already bludgeoned gargoyle carcass one last throttle with the mallet. Cratikins spat the rest of his bile at the winged beasts and muttered, “stinky, filthy, Gaaargoles!” before taking his position upon the crag once more. He examined the old workshop mallet he’d stolen from a carpenter in Murd and said to himself, “why for use dis one like weapon? Dis no like Fangi speeer, dis no like Naldo bow, dis no like big Shendu swoooord!” The young goblin found no grandeur in beating enemies to death, productive as it was, he dreamed of cutting his enemies down with a beautifully crafted sword. However, the words of Commander Chinweazle rung in his ears, “Boy, you better learn all da weapons, all of dem, den you be big warrior like Orc Shendu, or dangerous Dark Elves Fangor and Ronaldo. Den you defend Darklands from filthy Undeads.” And since that day Cratikins, with his stolen armour and misappropriated weapons left town and hid in the shadows of the wastelands beating, shooting and slicing things in the hope of becoming a fierce warrior. For weeks and weeks the young Goblin had been alone in the wastelands hunting monsters and gaining experience with every kind of weapon he could lay his hands on.

That afternoon Crat looked to the sky determining it wouldn’t be long before nightfall and since there was nothing savoury on the mountain he would have to head down to the wastelands for some supper. Under the crag he moved away a branch to reveal a hidden duffel sack. He unrolled it placing his shield and mallet inside and selected an island bow from an array of tools, weapons and armours. Once the sack was rolled and tied safely he looked left, then right, then behind him. Satisfied the coast was clear Crat quickly pushed the bag under the crag and covered it over with the branch again. Goblins are crafty little critters by nature and Crat was no exception. In the wasteland it wasn’t long before he came across a sounding of swine. Quillboar steaks happened to be a favourite of the little goblin, he took aim with his bow. No need for fire where goblins are concerned, with a hunting knife Crat shaved strips of meat off the hide of the boar and delighted in an easy meal. Like a carefully practiced art he went about his meal routine. The knife went in first, a wrinkly calloused hand remained at the entry point to hold the strip while the blade worked its way along a few centimetres deep. Licking his lips, taking in the smell, dangling the strip of flesh, watching the blood pool and drip. Down the hatch and shaking his jowls as he savoured every morsel. Two things in this world all goblins have in common, they like to eat and they like to fight, and more often than not they like to eat what they fight.

Mid chew an unrecognisable smell interrupted him. He smelt it first, then he heard it and then he saw it. The most beautiful thing Crat had ever laid his googly eyes upon. The goblin stood next to his kill, knife in one hand and meat in the other, mouth full of raw flesh. She spoke first,

“Hello there youngling, do you mind if I join you? It looks as if you have enough there for two.”

Crat said nothing, only moved his head up and down with mouth still open. Crat stood and watched as she placed her nap sack on the floor, took off her cloak and sat on it. She took out an intricately forged dagger. Before she dug her knife into the carcass she paused looking Crat up and down.

“I don’t suppose you’ve any firewood master goblin?”

Crat gave her a blank stare, swallowed what was in his mouth and shook his head.

“No, silly me, goblins don’t use fire. You prefer things fresh don’t you?”

Crat finally found some words, “Why for do dat?”

She sunk the dagger in and sliced off a strip before stabbing the dagger into the hide for keeping. With one hand she held the meat up, closed her eyes and moved her other hand from bottom to top. To the goblins amazement the meat caught fire and charred before going out. Crat jumped back and picked up his bow.

“Witch!” he exclaimed.

She smiled condescendingly while finishing what was left in her mouth.

“I’m not a witch youngling. I am a sorceress, I’m in the business of catching spirits and trading them.”

Cratikins took another step back and drew the bow, “You not take my ppirrrit.”

She stood up, “No friend, I don’t want your spirit. I only deal in monster spirits. I am Hope, a Dark Elf from Carrenthylen.”

Crat put the bow down slowly, still a look of mistrust on his face. “Me looks for fireswood, you no magic fire, Crat no like magic.”

Hope paused half way through a cut, “But master Crat, Goblins are some of the most magical beings in this world. Their shamans and witchdoctors are sought out for that very reason.” Hope could see it would take more than words to convince the youngling, “suit yourself, some firewood would be lovely thank you.”

Although Crat preferred meat uncooked he saw the benefit of the warmth of a fire. The two having gorged themselves on Quillboar sat back in satisfaction.

“What are you doing alone in the mountains Crat?” Hope asked.

“Commander Chinweazle he tell to me this what must do to be big warrior like orc Shendu.”

“Well if it’s Shendu you want, I’m on my way to meet him. All the strongest of our dark races gather in training camps to become even stronger. You should come with me.”

Crat sat up, “You go meet Shendu?” Hope nodded. “And Naldo, and Fangi?”

“If you’re referring to Ronaldo and Fangor then yes.” Hope saw the wonderment in the little goblins eyes and continued on, “There will be Gengar, Etak, Kretan, Souljin, Barrack, Goliath, Goo and Rhadamantha.nemesis.”

Crats face turned to confusion at the last one, “Rhadaamenasis?”

Hope laughed, “A very big troll to you youngen. And there will be some of your great kind there too, Nix and Pekster.”

Crat looked back at Hope in amazement and said, “We go now?”

Hope laughed, “We can leave in the morning young master Crat. Get some sleep.”

The young goblin leapt in excitement and danced around the fire with glee.

“Oh I forgot.” Said Hope. “You will meet Jesus too.”

Crat stopped and paid attention to Hope. “Who be Zeus?” He asked.

“Jesus, not beZeus, is one of our strongest warriors, but he wasn’t born of the dammed faction, he is in fact a Lich.”

Puzzled Crat asked again, “What be leesh?”

Hope paused looking the goblin up and down. “You really don’t know much about this world do you youngling?” Crat shook his head. “A Lich is part of the undead races like Ghouls, or Skeletons, or Vampires. Have you heard of Napgetier, or Nekduul, or Illidan..?” And just as Hope finished saying those three names the little goblin picked up his bow and took off into the mountains at a rate of speed. Hope called after him but it was no use, he had disappeared into the shadows. She started after the critter but it was dark and difficult to find good footing. Hope returned to the fire confused, made up a travel bed and thought, “Ah well I’ll look for him in the morning.”

GOAT - Goblin Of All Time

 Post subject: Re: The Adventures of a High Priestess and her GOAT
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 11:56 am 

Joined: Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:54 am
Posts: 12
The following morning Hope woke at dawn to the sun rising over Sorcerer’s Island volcano. She stood and stretched in the morning sun. The wastelands climate mimics that of a desert, barren and desolate, growing scorching hot during the day and plummeting to freezing temperatures at night. The sun wasn’t enough to thaw her out and she began to tease last night’s fire back to life. As she crouched over the charred embers about to perform a fire spell she heard a rustling noise from behind. Without hesitation she spun around sword unsheathed, ready to skewer someone or something. The little goblin dropped a load of firewood thrusting his hands in the air. Goblin’s have large feet somewhat like a hobbit’s which meant that the load of logs landed right on Crats toes. Hope couldn’t help but let loose a belly aching laugh at the sight of the little goblin hobbling, rolling and cursing in pain. Once Crat had finished rubbing his feet, he picked himself up, dusted himself off and began to pick up the firewood. Hope gathered herself and spoke.

“Morning master goblin, why did you disappear in a hurry last night?”

“Crat fetch more dis wood, make more big fire for sawsess.”

Hope decided to press the issue a little further but Crat cut her off and said to never repeat their names as a bad omen. Like saying the devils name and he shall appear sort of logic. So she let it be and moved on.

“Besides, this sorceress has a name youngen.”

“What be sawsess name den?”

“I am Hope, pleased to meet you.” She extended her arm for a handshake, but the goblin just looked at it.

“I be Cratikins, peesd to meets you.” He extended his arm in the same fashion but with no inclination to shake.

Hope rolled her eyes, she had introduced herself the night before, “You’ve much to learn master Cratikins!”

Crat dumped the wood on the fire and asked, “We go for see Fangi and Shendu now?”

Hope replied, “We can yes but we need to leave very soon if we wish to make it there by nightfall.”

Crat took off in the same direction and speed as the night before which left Hope wondering what she had said this time. But the goblin soon reappeared with a nap sack tied over his back shouting, “Me ready go see now, me ready go see now.”

Dusk came and went giving way to the stars by the time they neared the camp. They managed to track their way through the forest in darkness thanks to Hope’s illumination spell and Crats canine like hearing. The sound of war drums thundered in the distance and as the two came closer to camp the bangs became louder. Crat could feel his heart leaping in his chest when they reached the edge of the forest. A huge blaze could be seen through the trees with figures dancing and mulling around. Before they stepped into the clearing and showed themselves Hope took Crat aside, “Let me do the talking youngen, you follow my lead and don’t make any sudden movements. This is a hunting party already paranoid of being ambushed and by the smell of it they’ve started on the Dwarven ale and Mandrake spliffs. They don’t need much of an excuse to grind us into paste. Got it?”

“Whah manjake spiffs?” Crat asked. Hope grabbed him by the arm, “I’m sure Etak will show you later, just do as I do and we’ll be ok.”

They stepped out into the clearing and the drumming ceased. All eyes were on the intruders. Lucky Hope had Crat by the arm because the goblin would have been gone. Only the sound of the huge bonfire crackled and flickered. Around the fire were beings of the Light faction as well as Dark. Thor shared a log in front of the fire with Kretan, Etak and Goo all with a drink in hand. Rhadamantha.nemesis and Grahf were wrestling near the forests edge. Fangor and Ronaldo lay back smoking nonchalantly on a boulder. Shendu and Gengar were behind the huge war drums, fists clenched and dripping with sweat. Lucifer and Moog sat either side of a barrel locked in an arm wrestle, while Spike threw knives into a tree. All stopped, eyes on the intruders. Crat wriggled and squirmed under Hopes grip and she grappled him in a headlock while trying to address the audience.

“Greetings my fellow Dark kin! I… ahem… We have come to join you band of Warlords, Tyrants, Storm Bringers and miscreants in the fight against the unnatural enemy you all know so well. We take the pledge that our swords will always fight for the dammed and that we shall only ever run towards battle not from it and tha….”

The goblin broke free and turned for the woods but was cut off by a figure in a hooded cloak. Eyes glowing in the darkness, the colour of orc skin. They seemed to look right through Crat who had stumbled backward and cowered on his back avoiding eye contact. The creature lifted the young goblin off his feet and held him up as if inspecting a new armour. The goblin attempted a shriek but nothing came.

“What do we have here? A new recruit? Or a snack?” said the hooded being. Crat fainted.

When the young goblin came to he was next to the fire which had almost petered out. The drumming had stopped, but the surroundings were much the same. He saw Hope in the seat where Lucifer had been sitting across from Moog. The four on the log now formed a line in a standing quartet and were singing as if it were their last night in this world. Crat sat up on a log and saw the two trolls and two orcs sitting across the fire. He had never seen any creature as big as these four. Huge bodies that looked like they could take a beating and arms that could dish one out. The goblin scanned the surroundings and saw Fangor, Ronaldo and Lucifer laughing hysterically. Spike stood next to them coughing even more hysterically with a joint in hand.

“What the fuck are you Drows smoking?” Spike spluttered.

They laughed even harder and Fangor replied, “We soak the weed in Drake bile for a few days to give it an extra kick.”

Spike handed the spliff back and coughed his way over to join Thor and crew. Crats gaze found its way to the creature next to him, which he hadn’t noticed. He startled but the creature spoke without looking at him.

“Do not be afraid young goblin. I’m not going to eat you. For now. I’m going to train you, teach you, guide you and mould you into a mighty Dammed warrior like all the ones you see here tonight. Someday you will march with us into enemy lands. You will fight with us. You will die with us, and you will be a warrior.”

The goblins face shone like a child’s on Christmas morning, “You make Crat strongs like orcs and twroll?”

He laughed, “You will never be strong like them. Goblins aren’t built like that, but you can be just as lethal. Like that bunch over there.” Pointing towards Fangor, Ronaldo and Lucifer.

Crat looked the creature up and down suspiciously and said, “Who be you?”

“I am Jesus, the bringer of death.” And he laughed afterwards.

Crat stood up straight and said, “I be Cratikins, peesd to meets you.” And he extended his arm as if to shake but toward the fire. He then asked, “Who be dem?” pointing out toward the hunting party.

If Jesus had eyebrows he would have one raised on account of the goblins strange behaviour. He shook his head and replied, “That is Shendu, the bigger of the two orcs, big even for an orc and covered in scars. Always scrapping as a young orc, I believe is where they came from. The other orc is Gengar smaller than Shen but don’t let that fool you, that is one hell of a warrior right there. Next to them are trolls Rhadamantha.nemesis and Grahf. Rhada has turned dark which I'm thankful for, have you ever had an enraged troll charging at you? You’re not having a good day if that happens. Let’s hope the alliance stays together, you don’t want to be on the wrong side of Grahf, they call him the troll of death. Over there is Kretan, son of Clanggedin, the Dwarven God of Battle. Noble and godly blood runs through those veins. Next to him is the Duchess Etak, the prostitute of the Dammed as she is known, but don’t ever say that to her face, if you want to have little goblins one day that is. Goo is the smallest one of the group but don’t let that fool you, she is deadly and one of the original four Imperors. Thor is the one chugging the ale cask, a dwarf that knows what to do with the business end of a spear, shame we can’t convert him and Grahf to Dammed, ah well, maybe one day. Spike looks like he’s taken something, is he talking to a rock? I can’t tell what he’s saying… anyway he is from Jotunheimr, and as such learned how to handle himself from a young age. Pay some respect to the mighty dwarf when you meet him youngen, a Storm Bringer is someone you can learn a lot from. You know Hope obviously so I’ll skip her, but she is sat opposite Moogy, that is one of the finest members of our faction right there. Not only is he the undefeated arm wrestling champion in all of Lambe, but he is a Warchief, the Mayor of Mysko, and much more. A real asset to our kind. Lastly the Dark Elves, Fangor, Ronaldo and Lucifer. Training etiquette is important with those boys, don’t get caught in between any of them and their prey. Lucifer turned to the Light faction in search of something, I don’t know what, but he’ll be back one day I can feel it. Ronaldo, the tallest of the three at six foot is the easiest to get along with. He’s a bit of charmer and always good for a laugh. Be wary though, he’s still a dark elf. They’re like a cloud with a silver lining. Mostly filled with manners, etiquette and intelligence but with a silver lining of malevolence. And lastly Fangor, if Ronaldo is a cloud with a silver lining, Fangor is the darkest cloud you ever saw. He is driven by his insatiable desire for power, that boy has some demons inside him, I’ll say it now, I’m glad he’s on our side. Don’t get me wrong though, if you’re ever in trouble he’ll give his life to save yours or to avenge your death. Come to think of it, all of these guys here will. That’s what makes them such a good bunch really. I don’t regret choosing to spend my life with the living. Does that answer your question? Goblin? Are you asleep..?”

Jesus felt like taking his back hand to the goblins face but decided to let him sleep one last peaceful night before the torture to come, that is, training to become a Dark Elite Warrior.

GOAT - Goblin Of All Time

Last edited by Cratikins on Sat Mar 03, 2018 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: The Adventures of a High Priestess and her GOAT
PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 12:13 am 

Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:34 am
Posts: 57
Shendu sat around the roaring fire next to his oldest friend Gengar comparing old wounds and sharing stories of old times when Krakkan and Takagawa would boss them around and they’d kill undeads for fun.

Through the smoke, Shendu could see the outline of two figures. One had the familiar silhouette of a dark elf - Shendu has spent the last 4 years taking beatings off Fangor and learning many things from Ronaldo so he knew a drow when he saw one - and the other was similar to a goblin. The smell confirmed his suspicion and seconds later the two bodies came into focus.

Shendu recognised the drow from many years ago, a priestess by the name of Hope who seemed to have taken the eternal sleep however was now stood before him. Shendu nodded in recognition and moved away to talk to Fangor to discuss who was stronger. There were few things that scared the big Orc these days.

After a few minutes the other creature, the one the priestess called Crat, came over to Shendu. He stood at around 4 and half feet and barely came up to Shendu’s waist.

“You are Shen? The big Orc who smash everyone and everything?”

Shendu nodded - he wanted to play with the goblin for a while and pretend he was an uneducated beast. The goblin wasn’t to know that he’d read every book in Coraag’s collection and was better educated than most in the dark faction.

Shendu lifted his axe and moments later the goblin was rushing through the smoke and back to the mountains.

Shendu turned to Fangor. “Jesus will pick him up. He loves to take things under his cloak and help them out.”

Fangor fell off his stool with laughter when Jesus returned to camp, the goblin under his cloak.

 Post subject: Re: The Adventures of a High Priestess and her GOAT
PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2018 6:11 am 

Joined: Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:54 am
Posts: 12
The goblin woke to the sounds of shrieks and screams. He leapt up searching the direction of the harrowing sound. His eyes still heavy with sleep he struggled to adjust to the light. He saw Jesus who walked towards him with Hope by his side. They talked to each other intently as they walked, not paying attention to the sounds of violence and stopped when they reached Crat.

“Wah dat howlin be Zeus?” Crat asked the Lich

“That, little goblin, is the sound of Dark warriors honing their skills in battle.” Jesus replied.

Crat gulped looking in the direction of the wailings, “I for go do dat?”

“No, not yet. You wouldn’t last one round in that hellhole. Today you will be training with myself, Hope and anyone else that isn’t still nursing a hangover. Maybe some that are if that’s all we’ve got.”

The goblin seemed relieved. He greeted Hope with a smile and she smiled back. The goblin already looked up to her as a big sister, a sort of role model. Hope took Crat over to the armoury which was well kept and in good order thanks to Jesus’ meticulous storekeeping. The dark elf instructed him to gear up and choose a weapon. The goblin selected the biggest sword he could find which was as tall as he and so heavy he struggled to lift it above shoulder height.

Jesus shook his head, “Put that back Cratikins, you can’t play with that yet. Besides we don’t use real weapons on each other. Get one of the wooden swords or spears from over there.”

The goblin frowned and muttered to himself, “Harumfph. Why no use real weapon, use da wood peeer, Zeus make us soft like hobbits’s.”

Just at that moment the Duchess Etak sat bolt upright from in between some armour hangers. With ale mug still in hand, make up smeared across her face and looking like a tavern wench from the back streets of Murd she responded. “Soft??! Like a Hobbit?! I’ll show you soft, you ugly green skinned excuse for a dwarf!!”

Crat startled and dashed behind Jesus. The Lich distracted the Duchess with another ale and she resumed her position.

“Now.” Jesus stared at the goblin. “You two stand over there.” Crat nodded obediently and followed Hope with a wooden spear into the training circle.

Jesus stood before them looking them up and down. Hope gazed back intently, Crat looked awkward trying to avoid eye contact and finally looked back at Jesus smiling a toothless grin. Jesus paused and shook his head.

“Listen here recruits! This will save your life one day, so pay attention. My motto is sweat in training so that you don’t bleed in battle. This won’t be an easy undertaking, you will ache by the end of each and every day. But it must be this way, for the enemies we face in this world are skilled and ruthless. For that reason I will push you until you think you’re going to break and then some! After all, you sharpen a sword on a grind stone, not with cloth. Now let’s get to the grind!”

Jesus asked Hope to stand aside and stood across from the goblin.

“Today’s first lesson recruits is on fleeing and seeking.”

Crat looked puzzled, “Wah be feeein?” he asked.

“I shall demonstrate.” Said Jesus. “Try and hit me Crat.”

The goblin looked at Jesus making sure he understood the request before carrying it out.

“Go on.” Hope encouraged.

Crat swung as hard as he could at the lich. When he finished his stroke the goblin had missed and lich was gone. The goblin turned around to face the other way and nothing was there. But when he turned back again Jesus appeared and lay a swift blow across the goblins face. Crat stumbled back dropping the spear. Hope clapped on the sidelines and Jesus bowed with smirk on his face. Crat thought the lich had used magic or that it was some dirty trick undeads knew of that goblins didn’t. He picked up the spear and ran as fast as he could swinging wildly in a rage. Jesus ducked and weaved with ease making it look like a dance routine. When the goblin ran out of steam he stopped and looked around. No sign of Jesus. He looked at Hope who shrugged her shoulders. The goblin lowered his spear. Whack! From behind and the goblin tumbled over. It took a moment for him to sit up and catch his breath. The lich stood across the circle from him twisting and spinning the spear in his hands.

The goblin muttered “You no fight like warrior, you coward like archer’s dat shoot fom far. Dis no real fight.”

Jesus laughed while Hope helped the goblin to his feet. “This is the first skill you must learn Cratikins. You are young in this world and have much to learn. Most of the enemies you encounter will be stronger than you. You must learn how to use fleeing to your advantage in battle.”

The goblin look confused. “Must to run away to fight? Dis no make sense Zeus. Crat want to be big strong warrior like Shendu. Shendu no run. Shendu kill!”

Again the Lich laughed condescendingly. “Ah, Cratikins, Cratikins, Cratikins. All your heroes flee to fight. Fangor, Ronaldo, Shendu, Mirari, Goo, Gengar. In fact everyone does it. Even me. You are disillusioned young goblin. You have an idealistic view of the world. You have romantic notions of valour and heroism in battle. You think it is better to die in battle than run?”

The goblin nodded his head.

“You’re right. I believed that as a young Lich once myself. But the world we live in is too ruthless for such fantasies. To get ahead, to become great and strong and powerful. This is what you must do. Think of it like magic.”

“Yes!” Hope chimed in, “Like the shamanic spells I have been teaching you. We are all magical beings in this world. You wouldn’t have a problem with healing yourself using your magic after a bloody battle would you? No, exactly, so this is like using magic to be a better warrior!”

The goblin looked half convinced but still a bit unsure.

Jesus stopped juggling the spear and took to the centre of the circle. “Right, for the last time. Stand to the side goblin. Hope get in here. And all of you half cut bastards and wenches. Step into the circle now!” The lich’s voice thundered.

Up leapt the remainder of darks and lights who hadn’t made it to the training camp that morning. Seven of them surrounded Jesus.

“Watch and learn Cratikins. Now, all of you, attack me!” shouted Jesus.

It was all a blur and a flurry as Jesus appeared and disappeared at the right moment to land blows on his attackers. Bodies flew out of the circle one by one until only the lich was left standing. The goblin was gobsmacked and stood in awe. Jesus stood proud and a little cocky leaning on his spear.

“That is your lesson for the day youngen. Now we are going to practice this until...”

Jesus couldn’t finish his sentence because Ronaldo and Fangor crept up from behind. Fangor pulled Jesus’ hood over his head while Ronaldo tripped him over. The two drows walked into defence camp laughing. Their armour was covered in blood and sinew. They looked like two butchers from hell. They stripped their heavy armour off. Fangor threw his at Cratikins nearly knocking him over. “Clean that for me youngling.” Ronaldo looked at Fangor. Fangor rolled his eyes and threw a small pouch of gold coins at the goblin. “Here, go buy yourself an ale.”

GOAT - Goblin Of All Time

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